ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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