he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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