I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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