I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
