Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
