i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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