I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
