he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
