i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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