Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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