I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
