so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
