And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
