Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
