you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Vodka?
Forever.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
