Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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