I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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