I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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