i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
