I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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