so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
