real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
