I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
