i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
