I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
