i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
