i already hear my dad disowning me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
