i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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