i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
