I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I will pee on everything he values.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
