The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
