I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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