ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
