My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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