She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
