you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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