im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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