Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
