I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
