you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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