I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
