I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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