If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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