history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He better not be in your backpack
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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