plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
