So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
