They should really pass out barf bags in church
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
