This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
