Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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