Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
