you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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