Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
